Monday, February 10, 2020

Time to Simplify

I have jokingly said to my wife and others that had I not married, I probably would have become one of those collectors that you see on American Pickers. You know the type where Frank and Mike pull up and the land owner is sitting on an old chair surrounded by acres of “junk”. 

Over the last year and a half I have changed my mind. I have a little wood letter cutout in my office that says “SIMPLIFY”. It’s ironic that a person like me with a velvet Elvis painting in my office would have those words on display. It has become a goal of mine however with each day that passes. Every time I open my garage door, I cringe because it is a hot mess. It is littered with old bikes (and when I say old, I am speaking from 1940’s to the mid 60’s). There are tons of odds and ends along with many other things. The great purge will begin when the days become warmer. 

When I walk into my home office, I have slimmed it down quite a bit but there is more that can be done. Looking at my hobbies, I realize that can be slimmed down as well because one can have to many hobbies and no time to do them. I find it interesting that comedian, George Carlin did an entire standup shtick on stuff. It’s crass but it is brilliant. It’s staggering what percentage of a house a family really uses regularly. If stuff was weeded out then there would be a lot more room and the mindset of bigger is better would begin to erode.So, you are going to begin seeing me weeding things out more and more. Perhaps I will talk about it, blog about it, etc. but I have to be honest...after my mom’s death and going through all of her stuff; at the end of the day what really matters are pictures, memories and a few trinkets. 

I know a lot of you reading this might be a minimalist so please feel free to comment on this blog. What is your rule for throwing things out? What about those storage bins downstairs? After two years of not using an item do you pitch/donate them? This will even reflect into my social networking presence. Facebook is going to get weeded out in order to simplify my online life. Instagram will remain open to anyone. 

Here’s to simplifying and making the most of what really faith, family and true friends.x

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Beware Small Business Owners

There is a small business trend that I see happening over and over again within the faith community. It is one that is not just isolated to the city I live in but happens all over. It’s a disturbing trend that truly makes me feel sorry for the business owner that experiences this. Let me share how it goes. 

  1. Person attends church. 
  2. Person meets with pastor to process decision to start new business. 
  3. A few meetings happen because they appreciate the input, guidance and prayer. 
  4. Person announces new business and builds customer base.
  5. Person gives faithfully to church/God. 
  6. Business begins to take off and church attendance begins to wane. 
  7. Business is doing really well and church attendance takes back seat along with giving.
  8. Business begins to struggle…owner left wondering why. 
  9. Person begins to come back to church or moves to another church to build more of a customer base and the cycle starts over.

Side-note: Regarding #9…Radiant Fellowship has been used over and over again by new business owners. They start a business…build a customer base and eventually settle in at a larger church. Not to many pastors would be wiling to talk about this but believe me behind close doors pastors recognize it. 

Looking at this list I realize it may sting a little to read. However, I guess the question I have is if A+B=C then why would anyone remove part of that equation? The successful business owners I have seen are the ones who keep all parts of the equation in tact. They know that God honors a cheerful giver and so they keep that up. This owner knows that their life may be very busy but it is important to be at church as much as possible to be fed spiritually. Let’s face it when you are a business owner you give of yourself all week. You must take time for yourself to be fed. The successful business owner also understands that though their only day to rest is Sunday…they make it a point to be at church for the sake of their own well being and their kids if that applies. One must be fed if they are going to feed.

After being a pastor for 24 years, 15 of which have been as a lead pastor, I can tell you first hand those who “honor God with their first fruits” (Proverbs 3:9) and wake up on a Sunday morning saying “I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the Lord.” (Psalm 122:1) are the ones who experience God’s ongoing blessing. It’s a simple business equation really….honor God and he will honor you. Hold back and well….you get it. 

I am not going to continue down a theological path with this blog. If you are a business owner and question this blog simply look at where you are at. If you are experiencing ongoing blessings, I bet you have kept all parts of the equation. On the other hand if family life is strained, business is struggling, you are constantly fighting to make it, etc. I am willing to bet a part of that simple equation has been removed. 

There is no doubt I am jazzed with knowing entrepreneurs. I love their pioneering spirit and I love when they are following God’s direction while chasing their dream. I do care enough though to send a reminder of how to stay on track. 

Please read: Some business owners may read this blog and wonder what authority a pastor has to speak on such a subject. They have a bunch of authority. There is a business side to all churches and if a pastor does not maintain a business mind alongside a pastoral attitude the church could fall apart quickly. 

Friday, October 11, 2019

A Real Journey Through Grief

My Facebook messenger while in ballroom dance that night.
**If you have come to this blog expecting to read about the victorious Christian/pastor that has moved on since his mom's will be disappointed. The VICTORY IN CHRIST part is that he hears our cries and understands.This is a messy blog showing real life as a ragamuffin trudging onward with God's help.**

I will start with this statement:

Those who have never lost a parent they loved and were loved by will never understand what you are going through.

I found it to be true as I have lived on both sides of that statement. This blog stems from the upcoming one year anniversary of my mom's passing.

I have conducted many funerals for people that were dearly missed by their family members and a few where the family didn’t get out of the car for the graveside service. Regardless, I have always maintained that I would prefer to conduct a funeral than officiate a wedding (perhaps more on that in another blog) but nothing prepared me for what it was like to lose my mom. 

Since the day I was born I was a mommas boy. The way I would worry and cry when my mom left the house for work, church, etc. when I was a little boy is the same way my youngest son acts when my wife, Tracy leaves our home. I was attached at the hip to her. Even when I moved into my first bachelor pad in Bay View (Milwaukee), WI. I would call and stop in at home just to say hi. It is safe to say that she was my biggest cheerleader and friend. I truly feel bad for boys who do not have the love and support of their mother. 

It was October 22, 2018 at 7:19 PM when my cousin began messaging me. It was a set of messages that sent the worst feeling through my body (see screenshot picture). I remember calling my aunt only for her to answer the phone crying. My aunt is a straight shooter and she told me my mom just died. I was in ballroom dancing class with my wife when I made that call. Instantly we left because I desperately wanted to get down to Milwaukee but I first had to take the babysitter home. There were a few reasons as to why I wanted to get to Milwaukee as fast as possible. I was going to be the one that notified my dad of her passing. I relentlessly called his cellphone as I was driving. He finally answered and I told him the news. With such big news his first response was shock. My dad has never had a strong heart so I immediately went to his house when I arrived around 9:30 (I may have been speeding). I picked him up and we went to the facility where my mom was off and on that year trying to rehab pain she was dealing with. 

After picking my dad up from his house and upon our arrival I remember asking my dad if he was ready to go up. We were met by her nurse in the hallway where my mom’s room was. She told us she is still in the room where we can see her. After walking into that room I remember the air conditioner on full blast and seeing her lay there. In no time my dad began to cry. I had one arm around him to support him mentally and physically as I have seen people react in different ways at the news of their spouse passing. After a little while my dad said we can go, I knelt down…gave my mom one last kiss….told her I loved her and that she was an awesome mom and did a fantastic job raising two boys. 

They say everyone moves on at different times but never really recovers from such a great loss. To me my mom was one of my best friends and those are pretty scarce. She would always call me wanting to just chat and I likewise. She would always tell me how proud of me she was. Even in my younger years she always gave me the benefit of the doubt and truly loved unconditionally. I have often times said she was my biggest cheerleader and to hear someone say regularly to me “I am so proud of you” meant the world. Now it is gone.

People have told me over and over to focus on the good memories and I totally get that. I am forever grateful for the fun times and the strong foundation of faith both my mom and dad have instilled in me. I have many of those stored up in my mind. In my basement I have boxes full of pictures from the past of her. With all of that however I still have it fresh in my mind what she looked like that night laying in her room. I will never forget the look and how at that point I was the one supporting my dad with my arm around him as he cried. The roles have changed and I knew my life just jumped to the next chapter. 

So, it is almost a year later and I still find myself randomly in the storage side of my basement looking at old photos. There is a red jacket that my mom wore during the winter to church and Christmas parties. It was supposed to go to charity but after loading it into the car a few weeks after her passing, I fell apart. It had her perfume on it and is currently in a bag in my office.  I have not used my home office since she passed because I have stored many of her belongings in there. Nothing of large size but many hand-written notes, Bibles, even two of her dolls she made clothes for from when she was a little girl. A couple of weeks ago I went to organize the office and ended up not being able to finish due to anxiety and sadness. When I do get to Milwaukee and am able to stop at the cemetery, I am thankful that I am alone because I am a crying mess as I sit and talk.

Life is still full of regret as I wish I could have been there for my mom as she drew her final breath. Earlier that day I spoke to her on the phone and she was not making a whole lot of sense because her speech was not understandable. That should have been a red flag for me. The person who was there for me and so many others was now left to leave this world by herself. That’s thought is something that I deal with weekly. Over this past year I have become way more in tune with peoples hurts and needs as a result of this.

This blog got to be very long but I miss her…God do I miss her. Until my dying day I will boast that Donna Adams was my mom. 

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Radiant Fellowship: A Narrative

I have been finding it more and more important to share the story of Radiant Fellowship. A little church located in Waupaca, WI. A church that had a sketchy start only to be re-booted about a year and a half after it launched. This little niche church started in someone’s living room and ultimately launched publicly in 2004 in the Cupola room at the Ramada Hotel in Waupaca, WI. Today Radiant Fellowship is located at 420 N. Harrison St. in Waupaca, WI. Please keep in mind that this narrative begins with me coming on staff at the early part of 2004.

It was October 2003 when things unraveled quickly for Tracy and I in Milwaukee. I will spare the details as I am sure you can find them somewhere in my blog. After much prayer, contemplating and point blank advice from the interim pastor I decided to resign my position as associate/youth pastor at that church. I was allowed to attend one board meeting during my 8 years at that church. The last message I spoke there had to be approved by the board. Upon my resignation, I was asked to be the youth pastor at three different churches. One being at an A/G church in Germantown, WI another in Olathe, KS and of course, Waupaca. My wife and I decided on Waupaca since it was a new church and I would have a lot of freedom to do ministry. 

After accepting the position of youth pastor at Radiant Fellowship in the early part of 2004, this new congregation had its first Christmas service in December of 2013 inside the building that we now own. It was a trial run and apparently went well. I was still in Milwaukee for our Christmas Eve service. The church began meeting prior to that inside a home for quite some time. 

During the time of me being the youth pastor at Radiant Fellowship, my wife and I drove up to Waupaca each Sunday to attend church and to hold youth group at night. There were some weeks we would come up on Saturday and have to find our own housing. For some reason the kids pastor got to use the church funds to have a hotel room each week but Tracy and I were left to our own devices. We would attend church on Sunday morning and during those winter months we would sit in our car in the Ramada parking lot and read, etc. for hours until it was time for church in the evening since we met in someones home. No one offered for us to come over to their place to hang out from the time church let out until the evening. It wasn’t until early spring that my cousin offered for us to use her cabin just 5 miles outside of town. That was very much appreciated. 

Before moving to Waupaca in May of 2004 the youth group was growing along with the kids program run by our then kids pastor. The founding pastor of Radiant Fellowship was doing the best he could while fulfilling his duties in his other full time capacity. Many of his duties fell on me since I was willing to help him. I realize it should have been a red flag when the first Sunday we came up, he asked me to lead worship. It felt oddly like the church I just left where the youth pastor was asked to wear many hats leaving me to question, just what does the lead pastor do anyway?

In May of 2004 Tracy and I purchased our first home in Waupaca. It was then I could really sink my time and talents into the youth ministry. God began to grow the youth program exponentially through our ongoing outreaches. We saw the youth group go from 5 to 70 through our outreach events such as dodgeball, basketball, etc. Once again I found myself wearing many hats just like the last church. When the church needed a new paint job, it was I that sprayed the ceiling, painted the walls, etc. There were red flags everywhere for me. A shed in the backyard of the church needed to be torn down and somehow I was shanghai’d into doing that. The church was growing as well until sometime around June of 2005 when we were given bad news about our then lead pastor. Through a series of unfortunate events for the pastor, I was asked to become the interim pastor of Radiant Fellowship. In August of 2005 I was appointed by the Assemblies of God the new pastor of Radiant Fellowship. Growing up in a church where things were celebrated it was a bit odd for me that the then leadership did not do anything special for my first Sunday there. My first Sunday was met with disgruntled people and a church that was severely wounded. Tracy and I re-started Radiant Fellowship with 8 people a mortgage and a passion to see this church succeed. My first official Sunday was lack luster. I remember vividly me taking Tracy out to lunch and paying for it saying “yay us!”

During the time of being the pastor at Radiant Fellowship it should be understood that I never once attended a board meeting in the 8 years of being a youth pastor in Milwaukee. Wait, I take that back. I was allowed or rather was asked to attend one in the fall of 2003 only for the pastor to berate me with the board just sitting there. With no mentoring or teaching on how to be a lead pastor of a church…here I was in this new position in Waupaca. Radiant Fellowship was being supplemented by the Assembly of God district office and I was asked to attend a “church planters boot camp”. That decision confused me quite a bit since I did not plant the church but rather was asked to pastor it. Nonetheless I attended this class in Minneapolis and another in Green Lake. When I came back from these two events I was ready to finally hit the ground running. Radiant Fellowship was blessed to have a good leadership team at the time but sadly one of the first points of business I had to do was dismiss our kids pastor due to various reasons. 

During those early days it was clear we were in survival mode. As long as it was not illegal, immoral or sinful…we were going to do what we needed to do in order to stay afloat. We kept outreach the main thrust but knew we needed to grow as well in order to sustain this church. We did many things through our church that raised eyebrows and got people talking. I recall putting a 40’ tall inflatable elephant on our roof that had “National Porn Sunday” on it. It was a ministry of XXX Church and the theme was “Confronting the elephant in the pew”. Through different things like that we began to see growth. Slowly but surely we saw people coming regularly. Thanks to a few solid volunteers with our worship team and other ministries, we felt there was good forward progress.

As we progressed through the years 2009 brought with it one of our biggest changes when we hired a second music director after switching from our last one that did a good job. Once again we saw good growth as a result of this. Unfortunately with the growth we began stretching ourselves financially. We eventually got to the point where this little church needed to bring in about $1,800 per week to take care of salaries, utilities, etc. Each week was a struggle and with one of the appointed board members taking over the role of treasurer, it became evident this person was not qualified to do this. We were on the brink of financial ruin which left guest speakers unpaid (which later I found out about). I was not happy…in fact I was irate as it cost me some friendships. I made some changes and we have been in a good place ever since. Of course there are the weeks like any other church would cause you be bite your nails but God has always remained faithful. 

This church has fought for everything it has. It wasn’t until I became the pastor that I found out this church was not a welcome sight in our city. When I found that out and how it got started in a shady kind of way, I spoke with the then pastor of First Assembly of God in Waupaca. In fact the pastor and I were next door neighbors. I suggested we do a “pulpit swap” where he would speak at Radiant Fellowship and I at First A/G. It was so healing for both churches. I will never forget, the first words I spoke when I took the stage at that church was “I am sorry”. It was such an underhanded way Radiant Fellowship started that I wanted to acknowledge that.

To this day we still fight for what we have. I will admit as a kid that grew up in a very successful A/G church in Wauwatosa, WI. I (along with many other teens back in those days) looked at Waupaca through rose petaled glasses. I thought it was a big deal to be living in the same city as the Assembly of God district office and Spencer Lake Christian Center. To be in this city meant great things ahead and perhaps even some help with ministries we wanted to get going or needed help to get going. Again, I knew nothing about being a senior pastor so all the help I could get would be welcome. Those hopes quickly faded though when I began to notice Radiant Fellowship was going to be and will probably always remain to be “that church” in this city. People had us pegged as a lot of things which were not true. My rose petaled glasses quickly came off when I realized retired A/G people moving to the area and those being hired to fulfill roles were not going to be attending either. Any help I was hoping for has and continues to be just a thought…perhaps a dream. I have my own thoughts about this but at the end of the day I get it. I was not part of a graduating class at North Central University (where all good A/G kids go) which means I have no deep ties. Sure, I was in the first graduating class of an experimental inner city Milwaukee Bible college (UBTC) but that recognition was about on par with a degree from a tech school verses a university. I could do the same thing as everyone else but was not with that “in crowd”. Instead we get a random visit from these people and usually it is met with a critique because we are different. 

I have been hoping for trailblazers and those wanting to help but like the one family that recently left, they said “we are leaving because we want life groups”. I simply cannot take on another thing at this church but if people like the one I just mentioned would stick around…and help…we could have life groups.

I am so thankful how far this church has come since it’s difficult start. We are blessed with some solid people that love God and love serving. I look with great anticipation to all of the things that are in store for this church.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Multiple Sclerosis and Miracles

Miracles. The very word can conjure up a myriad of thoughts in Christian circles. For some, miracles are something that we read of in Scripture over and over and are left there. Other people have experienced them or know of someone close to them that have. Yet there remains a handful…okay a large handful of Christians that don’t believe in them or rather try to rationalize other explanations as to a healing that took place…allow me to explain. 

Time and time again throughout Scripture we read of miracles taking place. Some that come to mind right off the top include Lazarus, Jesus making the blind see, the issue of the woman bleeding, the crippled man at the gate beautiful and there seems to be one other….um…..wait for it….the resurrection of Jesus! That is just a short list of miracles. There are so many more throughout that we can read about. With this sort of thing being a regular occurrence throughout scripture, why do many Christians doubt today? I realize there will always be doubters. Fact is many can resonate with the father in Mark 9:24 who said “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” 

In March of 2015 my world was flipped upside down by a diagnosis I never thought I would receive. My neurologist told me that my MRI came back with irregularities. After finding five lesions, he diagnosed with me relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis. Once word got out about these findings, I was barraged with many people saying they will be praying for me. I recall one church service where many came up to lay hands on me as they prayed for my healing. Since that time I have been diagnosed with hemochromatosis which is an issue with iron. I also suffered (and survived) a brain hemorrhage in 2018. Through it all though I have learned to lean on God and the support of others.

As 2018 came to an end I had one last neurology appointment on December 31st. In that meeting we talked about many different things and towards the end my doctor said “you do not have multiple sclerosis”. I was taken back a bit…even shocked at the news. My wife and I looked at each other and needed some clarification. He gave it to us and I must admit that I was in some disbelief but so thankful as well. All I could think of was a miracle just took place. Perhaps my mom put in a good word face to face with God ha ha ha (hey…doesn’t hurt to have an imagination). What I was met with in the wake of that news is what I found to be perplexing. 

Over the years I have seen many miracles take place. From a friend coming back from the dead in front of my eyes in an ICU to someone we prayed for in South Africa over Skype. She was completely healed of cancer. There have been countless others as well that I don’t have room to list. In any case I found it interesting how many people asked me if the neurologist misdiagnosed me. This is his profession and the layout of the lesions in the MRI was the classic pattern for MS. Why is it when God does something profound, we back down from our faith and try to rationalize it in the natural? It’s as if we forget that this is part of what God does. With that many people praying for a healing, our faith should do a backflip when these things happen. It should build our faith. Many know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I wonder how many know them as a miracle worker?

I know for me I have had a new spring in my step. Two weeks ago I was sledding with 20+ kids and I would challenge many to a race UP the hill. We ran so much while inside I was shouting hallelujah each time. I can picture my mom ecstatic as well with my news. For many though, they hear news like this and say “that’s nice” and move on. Me? I resonate with the words my mom would sing each time she experienced God’s hand in her life…she would sing “Look what the Lord has done!” 

We ought not be surprised when God does the miraculous in our lives. Celebrate and give God the praise. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Keep Christ (AND GIFTS) in Christmas!

I realize this is a very opinionated piece and perhaps an odd topic coming from a pastor but hear me out. There is a disturbing trend that I have seen more and more within today's culture around Christmas time. It is a trend that directly contradicts what many are taught to be one of the “Five Love Languages”. What I am getting at is the lack of; or doing away with gifts at Christmas. I would have to say my love language is physical gifts. No doubt I inherited that from my mom. Both of us loved giving and receiving gifts.

Let me clarify that there are many well deserving charities out there that benefit greatly when a person or family buys gifts for them. I understand it is with a good heart that people say they are going to purchase gifts for those in need instead of the family this year. At the church I pastor we are doing just that for an ongoing ministry we have. What I am not asking for is families to not buy for each other. 

Let me get a bit personal. What were your fondest memories of Christmas growing up? I am willing to bet it was not the vast array of cookies aunt Mildred set out; though everyone likes cookies. Perhaps I will go out on a limb and even suggest it wasn’t some charity the church was getting behind during the Christmas eve service.  No, what stands out to a kid is that bike, game, lego set, etc. that they were wanting for so long and it was finally theres wrapped in a glowing package under the tree on Christmas morning. 

I came from a home where my parents loved each other, us kids and God. Was it ever a thought for my parents that somehow getting the Atari 2600 (yes I am showing my age) was going to somehow tarnish the true essence of Christmas? NOT A CHANCE!? When my brother received his first new Raleigh bicycle on Christmas morning did it cause his faith to waiver? Nope. To this day my brother loves God. Did getting the Capsela set I was nagging my parents for more than Ralphie nagged his parents for a Red Ryder BB gun set my faith today into a theological tsunami? Once again…no. In fact, I remember my parents taking us to Mayfair Mall in Milwaukee to sit on Santa’s lap so we could ask him ourself what we wanted for Christmas. I know…BLASPHEMY!  My parents never thought for a moment that seeing Santa was going to somehow tarnish our thoughts of God. In fact, I am quite confident they knew at some point we would grow out of that belief. Guess what? We did! For me it was just a couple of years ago. Um....

Here’s what I know to be true. The whole “no gifts this year to help the less fortunate” thing sounds good and understandably so when you are granting your kids requests by purchasing a new iPad or 65” color tv. When did it become the norm for kids to receive multiple gifts over $100 each? It’s no wonder parents pull their hair out during the holidays. If we were to get a new video game system, that was the only gift under the tree. Well, that and the new digs we were going to wear to Christmas Eve service. No wonder Christmas shopping can be such a drag when we purchase big things each year potentially matching or exceeding last years indulgence. It’s easy to understand why Christmas shopping can be a downer when many families are in debt up to their eyeballs because of other things deemed more necessary (moving out of their "starter home", boat, cars, etc.). Again, things that are not necessarily bad if done within ones means. It's fine if adults agree on the no gift thing...but the kids?

Keeping Christ in Christmas? Why is this even an argument? It is what you make of it. No one can take Christ out of Christmas. If someone has in your world...I wonder how deep a walk you had in the first place. Keeping gifts in Christmas? I can tell you as a guy that came from a family with not a ton of means…getting those gifts each year actually strengthened my faith. The gifts were not huge and expensive because they didn’t need to be. Most of the items were things that we wanted. Perhaps we even circled them in the Sears catalog. I'll be honest...some items were what my parents felt we needed…you know…socks, underwear, etc. An experience Christmas present? That's lingo used over the past few years. If my parents would have said "instead of you getting the G.I. Joe Amphibious Personnel CarrierI, we are going to go to the museum" it may or may not have been met with a bit of a protest. If the big ticket item was not under the tree, we took our gift money and started a fund to work towards that big ticket item.

With that with is what you make of it. If the main thrust for Christmas is just about the gifts then you missed it. If it is over compensating and not doing any gifts so you can give them to the homeless...just stop. I have discovered people that say that only give about a quarter of what they would have normally spent. What are the homeless going to do with gifts? They're homeless. Give the cash to a good ministry that helps the homeless instead. Find a balance where gift openings are tied together with the reading of the Christmas story out of Luke in the Bible. Where a goofy trip to see Santa is met with a Bible story regarding where all true blessings come from, then you will find that Christmas can be a very special time. A time where we don't have to say no to things that meant so much to us in our childhood. 

Monday, November 12, 2018

My Mom's Funeral...A Mentoring Moment

It’s a cheerful title to start a blog with isn’t it? I will be honest that I am writing this blog as a person that loves God, has a strong faith yet feels like a part of my soul is missing with the passing of my mom only three weeks ago. My faith is a non-negotiable and I am not mad at God. The day Tracy and I got married, we used it as a mentoring moment for the teenagers that called me youth pastor. Today, I am writing this blog as a mentoring moment regarding what it is like to walk through such a dark time. I have decided to list 10 things I have learned through the process of losing a loved one.

If you have never lost a parent, a few items on this list could come across the wrong way. Perhaps you have lost a parent…I would expect you to know exactly what I am talking about. Perhaps you could even add a few comments. In my case my mom was my best friend next to my own wife. We talked over the phone multiple times per week and so we had a very tight bond. I am writing this blog from the perspective that I love my parents very much. If you have a fractured relationship with your parents, I would urge you to get it right. On that note….let us begin. 

1. Expect it to be tough. Nothing prepares you for the loss of family member. I was in ballroom dancing lessons with Tracy that Monday night. Earlier that day I called my mom and she did not sound like herself. When Tracy got home that night I told her that my mom was not doing well. During dance class I got the phone call that my mom had passed. Within in a half hour I was on the road to Milwaukee. I picked up my dad and walked him up to the room at the rehab/nursing. It was the room where my mom was now laying dead on her bed. The room was cold because they turned on the AC full tilt (this is protocol until the person is picked up). It was also a bit dark but as my dad looked at his wife, I put my around him and laid my head on his shoulder. He had a good cry and so did I after putting my hand on her and saying a few words. We left together completely broken but with the hope that she was in heaven with her parents, siblings and others.

2. The day after someone’s passing is tough. The day after a loved one passes you are thrusted into dealing with the funeral home. I have been with many families during a part of this process but now I got to see the entire ordeal. When we left my mom that night we had to provide the name of a funeral home. This would be the same if a loved one passes away at home. Due to my mom’s age and health it was suggested there was no need for an autopsy. This is a question you are asked right away. While on the phone with the funeral home the next morning to setup an appointment I was asked “should we go ahead and start embalming her?”. I was taken back as it seemed cold to ask such a question. You will receive many of what seem to be cold condolences but please understand that they are simply wanting to help and do their job. Your loved one's funeral is not the first one they have done and like any other business, they have done this many times. There is a business side to this all and they were just doing their part. I stayed calm. That morning we met with the funeral director. He was as a very nice man. He spoke to my brother, his wife, my dad and I about the process. Expect this all to be pricey less you do cremation or the loved one had insurance, etc. Even then it will not be as inexpensive as you think. Things that go into the price of funeral home costs are casket, vault, spray of flowers for on top of the casket, cemetery plot (my parents purchased their plots years ago), opening of the plot (not included in the plot purchase), pastor’s honorarium, meal afterward, head stone, etc.

3. In lieu of flowers. If things are tight regarding funeral costs or if they are not and you would like funds to go towards a memorial, you can still expect flowers. I will be honest…the money that came in to help my dad was very much appreciated. The flowers that arrived despite the memorial fund were very much appreciated as well. If you say “In lieu of flowers a memorial fund has been setup for…..” You can still expect to receive many flowers. Again, this is not a bad thing. It was very much welcome. I can say for me it was nice to bring a couple home for my house and church. People share sympathies and grief in different ways and flowers are one of them.

4. Expect wrong comments. The fact is that during a time of crisis or grief people are going to say the wrong thing. They don’t mean it and actually mean well. There is no reason to get upset or let it ruin your day. People knew how much my mom meant to my brother, dad and I yet we heard all kinds of comments. Again, they mean well but sometimes it just comes out wrong. I myself have done this before. It’s going to happen…get ready.

5. Expect ignorant comments. I can deal with wrong comments that were meant to be good. It took everything in me to hold back when ignorant remarks were made. While standing by my mom’s casket I had people ask me “so what really did her in?”. Another one asked of me was “which pill did she take that put her over the edge?”. There was one lady that has known me since elementary school days that showed up. She was with a caretaker and told me about how to cast out demons and the fact that we could have a curse upon our family and these are the steps to cast that away. Bottom line…expect ignorant comments and don’t fire back. This is not the place for it. Simply let them share their thought and move on. 

6. Enjoy the company at the funeral because the days to follow will be tough. You will have times of laughing and times of crying. People do not expect a whole lot out of the family that day. It was comforting to see all of the people that showed up for my mom’s funeral. From people I knew when I was a kid to first time introductions of my mom’s social circle. It can feel like a long time standing by the casket greeting everyone and getting hugs, etc. Embrace this time and enjoy the conversation and memories. 

7. If you have held it together through the service, expect to be broken at the graveside service. I had a difficult time getting through the eulogy I prepared but nothing prepared me for the graveside service. When that was all done I just stood by my mom’s casket with my hand on it. I fell apart because it was all so final. In one aspect you have family, friends, etc. standing their to support you. In another aspect you have the gravediggers there ready to lower your loved one down so they can close the vault, put the dirt back in and move on. Yes I know (was reminded many times) where she is now but in the physical I knew a piece of my heart and soul were now gone…and it hurt…still hurts. I hugged my wife and fell apart. After I pulled myself together somewhat, my pastor from my early years gave me a hug and I lost it once again. 

8. When the funeral is over and life continues on the next day, expect moments of emotions that are all over the place. I filled my life with busyness yet even three weeks into life after the funeral I long for a day where I can just be by myself. Where I can visit my moms grave, retrace old steps and mourn in that way. I have not been able to do that yet. Be ready to help as well. For me I told my dad that I would take care of all the thank you cards and other odds and ends. 

9. Follow up with your other parent. If you are blessed to have your other parent; be sure to follow up regularly. It has now become my M.O. to call my dad every other day. Chances are they are by themself now. I know my mom was quite the talker. If she was not talking with my dad, she was on the phone talking with someone else. Now my dad is faced with a lot of quiet time. A phone call from his kid or relative are no doubt always welcomed. 

10. Don’t force conversation. When a person has lost their spouse or a child has lost their parent…talk about it when they are ready. This past weekend I had my dad up for a visit. We didn’t talk about mom’s passing unless he brought it up. I feel that if you pressure a person into making decisions, etc. after a loved ones passing they will feel like you are pushing them into a corner. Death is a big deal and it will be dealt with in days, weeks and months to come. Two days after the funeral I took a van full of hurricane supplies down to Florida with my family and a couple from the church. I was so appreciative that we did not make my mom's funeral the point of conversation other than when I brought it up just to vent a bit. 

Here I am three weeks out from my mom’s passing and there is still not an hour or two that go by without me thinking about her. This weekend I was at Fleet Farm and heard Christmas music. I fell apart in the store. I still hurt and will probably be a mess through the holidays. Her birthday would have been on December 10th as well. I hope to find healing through prayer, reading, remembering and finding some me time. I am so thankful for my church, supportive family, friends and in-laws that have encouraged me.

Feel free to comment on this blog as you see fit. I would be happy to answer any questions anyone has. If it is more personal you can email me